Toxic Emotions - Guilt and Shame Part 1
Toxic Emotions - Guilt and Shame Part 2
Two kinds of guilt:
1) True Guilt – A good thing! Not a good thing when someone never experiences guilt!
Psalm 51:4 – 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
David has a straight edge… it’s God who sets the standard, and its God who determines sin and is 1st offended by our sin. To distinguish true and phantom guilt, we need to go to God’s Word… get good counsel… study, seek advice of scholars…etc…
We can’t resist all guilt! Some of it is right! Don’t you wish Hitler felt guilt…?
* WWII – US slow to believe reports about the slaughter of Jews… Not Germany! A Christian nation… maybe a less sophisticated people… After the war, US soldiers were horrified at what they found… in one city the US general forced the people of that town to clean up the mess… The Mayor and his wife committed suicide the next day! They knew that stuff was taking place, but they didn’t want to believe it could happen.
How do you deal with True Guilt…?
1 John 1:8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Psalm 32:5 - 5 I acknowledged my sin to You, And my iniquity I did not hide; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "; And You forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah.
“Confess” means to say the same thing. To see your sin from the perspective of the one you have offended. You have to stand in their shoes!
“If I have offended you, I’m sorry”… that’s not confession!!! That’s doing what you have to do so you don’t look bad!
Psalm 32: 1 - Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
“Blessed” – complete wellness of being; profound joy… You must assert God’s truth over your feelings of guilt!
Toxic Emotions - Guilt and Shame Part 3
2) Phantom Guilt – Like a person who has had a limb amputated.
Phantom guilt can persist in a Xian’s life for sometime if not dealt with… where does it come from…?
- A hypersensitive/weak conscious…
- Unhealthy spiritual upbringing…
- Unhealthy upbringing…
o Don’t feel what you feel… feel what we tell you to feel!
o Don’t show emotion! ** Don’t ever get angry!
o Emotions not validated… You shouldn’t feel like that!
o Abuse… neglect… abandonment…
Phantom Guilt unchecked…. Can lead to:
- Regular outburst of anger
- An inability to have close relationships
- Can lead to physical illnesses!
- Can lead to addictions… from drugs to food to shopping!
Feeling guilty…? Ask: Is my guilt true guilt or phantom guilt…?
Have I violated God’s Word…? Or…
Have I not lived up to my mom’s expectations…?
Have I disappointed my dad…?
Have I not lived up to some expectation that’s not from God…?
Toxic Emotions - Guilt and Shame Part 4
Shame – comes on the heals of guilt.
** Example of Guilt and Shame at work – you blow it… tell a lie! You feel bad about doing something wrong… but deeper than that… you feel ashamed! You did something you despise in others… you thought you were better than that! You thought you were more courageous than that!
Opposite of guilt… innocence!
Opposite of shame… Glory! (Significance… value… worth)
Who am I…? What names me…? Whose approval really matters…?
Have I tried to build my identity on the wrong things…?
- being a mom
- being the best employee
- having someone’s approval
- being successful
Shame is accompanied by
- strong feelings of inadequacy…
- Uncertainty as to where you fit in…
- a fear of failure…
- inability or unwillingness to take risks… or
- over shyness…
Key: When we violate God’s standard…
Out of love, He brings a deep sense of conviction… but never condemnation!
Romans 8:1 – There is no condemnation for those who are IN Christ Jesus!
1 John 3:20 – 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
Toxic Emotions - Anger Part 1
There are different ways of dealing with anger...
1. Some people think they have NO anger... but they are in denial.
2. Some people have BLOW anger and they erupt when triggered
3. But the emotionally intelligent way to deal with anger is to be SLOW to anger.
What's the opposite of anger...? It's not NO Anger... (to have a short fuse). But patience. (to have a long fuse).
Do you have a short fuse or a long fuse...?
- Proverbs 14:29 - Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.
- Proverbs 15:18 - A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.
- Proverbs 22:25 – Do make friends with a hot-tempered person or associate with one easily angered.
Toxic Emotions - Anger Part 2
Anger is love in motion… it’s a response to defend someone or something that is threatened! When your child is threatened by someone trying to hurt them or violate them, a normal healthy response is to be angry!
Anger is commanded! Ephesians 4:26-27 – 26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.”
John Chrysostom (pastor in the 300’s)
“He that is angry without cause, sins. But he that is not angry, sins also…
Summary… No anger (repressed)… blow anger (expressed)… slow anger (calculated; intense; intentional). Slow anger is the mark of a mature and wise person!
** So… Question: When you get mad. What are you defending?